Relationships that Bring Joy

This page attempts to pull together the most essential information within marriage, parenting and relationships. Although essential, it is a general overview, and as I’ve learned, these three areas are a lifelong pursuit of study. 

To cover these and streamline this article, I’ve pulled together a wide array of disciplines such as timeless truths, current research, experts in specific fields, and other modalities that can help you in each area. 

I don’t claim to be an expert on this topic, but I’m hopeful what I can bring together, including my own experiences of wins and losses, will add value to you and help you along your journey.

Remember, in many of these areas there was no set manual outlined that was handed to you, so be kind to yourself including your past mistakes. This is a journey, and as you make progress, you’ll get to enjoy each new step you take.

I. Your Marriage Vision

   1. It Reveals Us Not Heals Us

   2. A Mirror Image

   3. Your Marriage Vision

II. Parenting Superpowers

   1. The Program is Recording

   2. Lessons Are Caught Not Taught

   3. Don’t Forget Your ABC&D’s

   4. How We Should See Them

I. Your Marriage Vision

One lifelong marriage counselor asks this question at the start of each new premarital counseling session, “Why are you two getting married?”

When I first heard this I was scrambling in my mind what the right answer should be. This counselor went on to say that most people in those two seats say,  “Because we fell in love.” Herein lies the trap that blinds the two.

It’s within reach that every marriage can see beyond the now moment. If not, the blindness begins and what awaits is a stumbling block that may be coming soon. It’s only those that can see, or have vision, that can surmount what’s to come.

Below are three areas to shine light and illuminate the entity of marriage and give a lit path on a rocky road. The first reflects the vision of ourselves, then the intentional vision of God used through marriage, and finally, a vision for your marriage that can be fulfilled, and  fulfilling.

It Reveals Us Not Heals Us

In Max Lucado’s book, Traveling Light, there is a insightful story that reveals the delusion we often fall under. As Max Lucado tells the story, it’s a drama that his church puts on that allows the congregation to hear the thoughts of the bride and groom.  The following unfolds:

The groom enters, laden with luggage. A bag dangles from every appendage. And each bag is labeled: guilt, anger, arrogance, insecurities. This fellow is loaded. As he stands at the altar, the audience hears him thinking, Finally, a woman who will help me carry all my burdens. She’s so strong, so stable, so . . .

As his thoughts continue, hers begin. She enters, wearing a wedding gown but, liker fiance, covered with luggage. Pulling a hanging bag, shouldering a carry-on, hauling a makeup kit paper sack – everything you could imagine and everything labeled. She has her own bags: prejudice, loneliness, disappointments. And her expectations? Listen to what she is thinking: Just a few more minutes and I’ve got me a man. No more counselors. No more group sessions. So long, discouragement and worry. I won’t be seeing you anymore. He’s going to fix me.

Finally they stand at the altar, lost in a mountain of luggage. They smile their way through the ceremony, but when given the invitation to kiss each other, they can’t. How do you embrace someone if your arms are full of bags? 

So within us is a cry for help, but if we don’t recognize it and marry the person to fix us, the the inevitable will come. You might say, “What is the inevitable?” The realization we all will come to that they can’t fix us. When we find this out, we are so disappointed.

Most often after years of marriage, we don’t even realize we were broken before and when they let us down to fix our plight, sadly, we blame them for our problem.

I heard on pastor say, and I paraphrase:

“What happens is you’ll have this habit, this thing you do, for instance, gambling. You’ll think, ‘when I get married I’ll slow down or stop and life will be better.’ But, what happens is, you’ll get married, and not only gamble more, but you’ll blame your spouse for your gambling addiction.”

The idea that marriage reveals us, not heals us, is because who we are, often the ugliness that it can be, comes out to those closest to us. What’s closer than a committed marriage? That’s right, your spouse. They will get to see you for you, and nothing less than that when given enough time.

Is that all to say, that you shouldn’t get married and have a joyful marriage? On the contrary, marriage can reveal and then heal if there is either who are not whole before marriage. With commitment and both willing to abide in their marital vows to sustain the trek ahead, the broken pieces can be made whole.

To go a step further, marriage is a reflection tool for us for a greater purpose, not just to cause us agony and someone to fulfill earthly needs only. It’s not only is a mechanism to refine us and bring us to a selfless life, but it can move us closer to our destiny, and more importantly help us see the bigger picture between God and us.

A Mirror Image

 As mentioned, we see ourselves in marriage with all the good, the bad, and the ugly, but you also get to see God in a very unique way too. After all, the word marriage originated from the Bible, so let’s look at what this means to see God and us.

 Since the word marriage came from the Bible, we should also look at what the Hebrews meant when they used the word Love.

I once heard a breakdown of the word Love, and I have never forgotten what that meant and changed what I viewed love as. It helped me see Love beyond an emotion, beyond a romantic novel or comedy and for what God saw it as and that began something in me that I still am growing and learning in today.

The Hebrews definition of Love meant three things – Friendship, Commitment, and Intimacy.

So you would never say I love my sandals back in those times. That would mean they were your friends, you would never stop wearing them and you sure wouldn’t think of them in a closer way. But, today, we use the word so loosely, and with the help of our culture, we love everything.

God’s idea between us and Him brings up a pattern we see time and time again. It’s one of reconciliation to Him, and also a picture of what it’s like to walk with Him.

We see this in the word Love that He embodies to us! Of course we see the ultimate example in Jesus where we first calls us friends. He makes this clear below:

“I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.”

Then, in covenant, Paul refers to what God said:

“Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’ “

And in intimacy from God to us:

“And as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.”   Isaiah 62:5

Here in Revelation, picture of the church, the bride of Christ is depicted for John to witness and see:

“I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.”

So, there is a parallel of marriage between us and God. If God views us as His bride and He’s come down to befriend us and never leave us, then what we find in marriage is the challenge to mirror that image.

How can you mirror the image of God? Here are three ways to do it.

1.  Friendship – Establish that whatever place or position you are in, that you are not out of position to be a friend to your husband or wife. Be vulnerable and let them know who you are, and when you know vulnerabilities of them, don’t use that against them. The very power you have not too causes intimacy and connection alone. Although not perfect, friendships remain by enduring respect, a willingness to receive, and a desire to know them more.

2.  Commitment – Declare that whatever you find out about them, that you are willing to stick around. Often, when someone knows us long enough there are going to be some ugly things that arise. Of course, if they outright reject your friendship you are granted permission to leave, but if not, stay the course and you just might be used to help them heal as they will or have ultimately helped you.

3.  Intimacy – Move to connect with your spouse. It’s better to have peace than to be right and this is especially true in marriage. True intimacy can only occur with the first two in the respective order. If just one is present, it’s a half attempt to gain intimacy and there will be the elusive missing feeling between the two.

Just like God and us, when we feel He’s befriended us, and when we know He will never leave us, only then do we feel a response to draw close. This type of Love is a far cry from what our culture has taught us. It many not come with silhouette sunsets but if we till the soil, the harvest and the silhoueets of the sunsets will come.

Your Marriage Vision

As mentioned at the start of the article, the couple was asked, “Why are you two getting married?” As most don’t know, Jimmy Evans, the founder of a global marriage ministry called MarriageToday, goes on to point out that most don’t have any idea why they are getting married besides the statement, “We fell in love.”

Like a ship without a destination, ultimately it will be tossed by every wave and just float in hopes that it may arrive anywhere. A marriage without a purpose or vision can cause the same displacement and moved and tossed with every new life occurrence and wave that ultimately happens to us all.

It’s only in the purpose and vision of the marriage that supersedes the waves and gets us through.

Jimmy Evans goes on to say in his article, “How to Transform Your Marriage with a Vision Retreat”, that once they heard of a couple who left everything for a few days to make sure their vision was in alignment, he said:

“That was one of the best things I had ever heard. Ever since, Karen and I have scheduled a vision retreat for our marriage every year, and we’ve been teaching other couples to do the same. … Setting aside time to seek God for your marriage will transform your life, your relationship with each other, and your relationship with God.”

Be the ship of marriage with a destination, a purpose that means more than the bumps that life can bring, and you’ll ride over them like a cruise boat in the sunset.

Takeaway
Life really is like a box of chocolates, but you do get to pick which chocolates to eat. In all seriousness, marriage is a part of the nuts and bolts that bring life together. It creates a more selfless character, refines us, and ultimately sets the stage for family and fulfillment. Be courageous to life’s greatest challenge and use it to look within yourself, see God’s purpose, and create a vision for your marriage and set sail.

II. Parenting: The Unexpected Hero

“The Child is the beauty of god present in the world, that greatest gift to a family.” Mother Teresa

The last thing we think of sometimes is that we are anything but a hero with any superpowers when it comes to our kids and parenting. It seems it’s really the other way around. We can feel helpless, exhausted, and to an extent, feel awkward that we should know what to do since we’re the parent, right?

Well, the truth is, we weren’t given a parental manual, and our best example was our own parents, and even then they weren’t given a manual and they also had to learn. If you’re the first born reading this you might have even been practice. With that, we feel anything but a parent with superpowers.

The reality is by implementing just a few things, namely being there for your children and simply loving them, is one of the greatest superpowers you have to offer, and we all can do that! The unknown impact we have on them day to day is one of the most unrealized realities we may ever have.

If you’re still not convinced the role you play and the superpowers you have lets look at that further and sprinkle in a few more powers to your arsenal.

I must say here that I am not an expert in parenting, but I do have some experience and lessons learned along the way, and I’ve pulled together just an overview of  a few ideas that will help you.

The Program is Recording

Dr. Bruce Lipton, a cell biologist and a pioneer in epi-genetics, has led the way with research in his book, The Biology of Belief, and shows how we are essentially 95% of what our subconscious has absorbed from the third trimester until 7 years old. 

That’s a small sample of the science, but if you take into account the history of one population of people Dr. Bruce Lipton refers to, the Jesuits, it gets even more fascinating. They are known to have said that if you gave them the child until 7 they would show you all they would become. Today’s science essentially is pointing to 3 years old.

So what program is recording?

Most creatures are born with immediate innate instincts, but with humans, our Intelligent Creator created us with a period of absorption. We would land in this world and learn all the rules, ways to live, and how to become civil in civilization. It’s shown in brain wave length studies that through the age of seven the brain is in a Theta wavelength, which is a hypnotic type of stage. Essentially the brain is absorbing everything and the program is recording.

What the new science is telling us, from the pioneers like Dr. Lipton, is that our subconscious is like a program to a computer that runs at about 40 million bits per second, and our creative mind, which is our conscious mind is around 40 bits per second.

So, as you go through life and read a good self help book our listen to an amazing message, you’ll be inspired tremendously only to find out you’re life as a whole hasn’t changed that much. Why? Because you took that in your conscious mind, the 40 bits per second processor. You’re subconscious mind doesn’t learn that way. It learned through consistent repetition patterns like you did when you 7 and under.

So why bring all this up? To show that just being in your child’s life in some way is one superpower that is literally playing a role in shaping who they are becoming.

Let’s look at what they are absorbing and what three areas their program is recording.

Lessons are Caught Not Taught

So much is said in this one statement, and this one this superpower of example may be the greatest. Below are three areas that their little brains are recording and how we can impact what they are taking in.

1. In Relationships

When you are around others, your children are watching how you interact and in what ways you are carrying yourself. Do we have healthy friendships? Do they see us respecting them? Do they see us establishing the boundaries we would ask them to establish? Do they see us have healthy conflicts that are brought to resolutions? Do they see us love and forgive?

As they see you interact, they will instinctively take on what Mommy and Daddy have presented to the world around them. From time to time make sure they see you in more than one of these actions and you can be assured they are absorbing it all. 

2. In Marriage

Mother Teresa put it best when she said:

 “To parents: It is very important that children learn from their fathers and mothers how to love one another – not in the school, not from the teacher, but from you. It is very important that you share with your children the joy of that smile. There will be misunderstandings; every family has its cross, it’s suffering. Always be the first to forgive with a smile. Be cheerful, be happy.”

This may not come as a surprise, but if you’re children see you love one another, smile, have healthy conflicts leading to resolution, they will more easily replicate that in their marriage. Having said that, many children who come from homes without two parents still do amazing, but standing on your shoulders is a superpower you can give!

3. In Them

I continually seem to examine how I am with my children partly in how I was treated when I was young. It’s natural to forget how we are around them, but they are taking it all in and they really are absorbing your actions toward them.

We all know the verse that says,

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother,’ which is the first commandment with promise: ‘that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.”

But how often have we heard the very next verse:

“And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

We have a responsibility also, and by learning to hear them, we set the stage for them to value their selves and realize their feelings are valid and worth listening to.

Whether it’s in relationships, marriage, or time with them, our example is our superpower we offer them. When we struggle with ourselves we find ourselves repeatedly dictating commands, yelling, and becoming frustrated. If you find yourself in that position, take time for yourself, and as you become who you are called to be, they will naturally begin to follow in suit. It may be a challenge, but it takes a community, which we will discuss a bit later.

Don’t Forget Your ABCD’s

e”When all else fails, we can just go back to the basics. The abc and d’s of it all. In the article from CBN.com, “Keep the Basics of Parenting in Mind“, Jim Burns reminds us of four key areas we can all remember when in doubt.

1.  Affirmation

No, it’s just not in the Five Love Languages for marriage. To affirm your child is a tremendous superpower and not many can take your place in giving it. We’ve heard what negative words can do to a child, but when you look at children who have success in life, they often remember being told things like, “You can do it,” and “You’re amazing, and you have purpose for your life.” Don’t hold back, and affirm them when you see any opportunity.

2. Blameless Love

Since kids are constantly learning, there are going to be mistakes made. I’ve learned (and learning) to distinguish between disobedience and mistakes. Disobedience being something they deliberately did opposed to doing something they were unaware of.

When it comes to disobedience, they don’t need to be condemned, but corrected. Of course they will have consequences for their actions, but care not to condemn, but love and forgive them. They need to know that they are loved despite their actions and that it’s an unconditional and blameless love.

3. Connectedness

This one is big, and deserves and article on it’s own. As Jim Burns puts it in his article:

“You don’t have to be present with your kids 24/7, but your presence gives them a greater sense of security than almost anything else you can offer them.”

The security they feel by being connected with their parents is studied and written on in more publications than I can add here, but nonetheless a parent striving to be present will go far in what you have to offer them. 

4. Discipline

Yes, discipline.  The culture we are living in has a lot to say, but let’s look at a couple areas that show us what we can be confident in.

From the Wisest Man Who Every Lived:

“Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”   Proverbs 22:6

Let this empower you when society is saying your doing something wrong. You are in a position to train, guide, and lead them. When they are in that impressionable age protect their eyes, when their older still protect their ears.

As you find yourself being inconsistent with discipline and feel too tire to implement what you said, let this message of wisdom reinforce your role of teaching them the consequences of their actions as well as the teaching your imparting to them.

Our Own Life’s Experience

We’ll often see things in our life that we learned, and the consequences we ourselves faced. When we can share those missteps and trials, it greatly benefits them to redirect their actions if needed. There are exceptions to this as well as age appropriate timing, but taking the concentrated lessons of our own lives will give them a step ahead and advantage as they move through their adolescent years.

When all else fails remember the ABCD’s of parenting and continue to be the appointed hero in their lives and the real Super Hero will take care of the rest.

How We Should See Them

If you’ve noticed, I tend to write in threes, but I thought this would be one exception to the rule. The idea to see our children the way God sees them should put things into enough perspective.

Every time I read this scripture, it always moves me. Even as I write this, I can’t put a finger on it specifically, but the idea that children are so special to Jesus says more than we might think.

“Then people brought little children to Jesus for Him to place His hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked them. Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.'”

With the science I mentioned on the absorption that they are being programmed with, I can see even in greater detail why it’s so important that we see them the way God sees them.

Takeaway
Whether we realize it or not, we are in a very unique place by default to impact our children and the very calling on us to bring them up in the way they should go. Beyond pointing this information out, I hope it’s an encouragement that by you just being there present with them, simply makes you their hero.